She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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