Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
