I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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