Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
