hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
