At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
