No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
