I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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