My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
