if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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