filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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