just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
