70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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