Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
