I will die if light touches me.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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