so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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