I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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