rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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