You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
