I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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