i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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