Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
