when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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