I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
