i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
