So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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