I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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