Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
