google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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