Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
