and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
