i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
