"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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