remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
