It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Dignity is for republicans.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
