I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
