I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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