Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
