dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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