he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
