I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize