you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
