He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
