so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
