Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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