my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
