meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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