I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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