I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
