Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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