John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
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