**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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