yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
