why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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